My male friend group gang raped me in the fall of 2019 and destroyed my identity. Now I get off to it every night.
kink origin wrote:
I am a total lesbian, gay as the day is long, and I identify as genderqueer (nonbinary). But I was brutally gangraped in college by a bunch of my male friends in a hotel room for over 18 hours and nothing has gotten me off more than that. I think about it all the time, my orgasms even feel ruined if I’m not masturbating to my rape.
They were my friends. We were on a trip for a university club, and we had sex-segregated rooms. I couldn’t stand the girls I was with so I went over to my guy friends’ room. I was the ‘cool SJW’ to them, didn’t get triggered over jokes, ‘like one of the guys.’ They were drinking, I had a little but barely any. No one was really drunk. As the night went on they made some jokes and comments about my chest, which is very large (and I hate it). One guy went on this jokey rant about how he wants to just rip off my baggy shirt and suck and squeeze my breasts, that he likes girls like that, that he thinks I’d be better than Billie Eilish. I could see his erection running down the left side of his jeans, I made a joke about it and then someone else pointed out that another guy had an erection too. You could feel the horniness in the room, like it charged the air. They said I should get topless to help. When I said no, one of them suddenly groped my chest, then they kinda laughed it off and another started squeezing and groping my buttocks over my pants. I said ‘what are you doing’ and they just went come onnnn. Then one of them, my closest friend out of them all, knelt down and kind of lunged for my vagina and assaulted it over my pants with his mouth. Two of them grabbed my arms and held me down on the bed. After that their veneers disappeared and it was over.
They completely degraded me. They exposed my breasts (which I was binding), played with them, squeezed them, licked and sucked on them, placed their penises between them and thrusted. They exposed my vagina and mercilessly assaulted it with their hands, fingers, mouths, tongues, and penises, and forced me to orgasm to my own rape. When I screamed, they forcibly kissed me or inserted their penises into my mouth to block my cries for help. One of them sat on my face, and I was writhing as they molested my body, screaming and crying into his buttocks, and they laughed and mocked me as my screams made flatulent sounds against his buttocks.
They ejaculated on my face, in my mouth and down my throat, in my vagina and anus. I had so much of their semen all over me and leaking out of me. They broke me. I was a pathetic sex doll covered in their cum. They made me admit that I wanted cock, that my vagina was pussy, I was marked by their tongues, cocks, and cum, that my lesbianism and gender were fake and that I needed to be dominated by men. They corrected me.
Now everything feels fake, my sky blue hair, my binding, my queerness. I just want to be raped again.
I’m also queer and have a similar experience. I get off to rape/rape fantasies w/men but I don’t think that impacts my queerness or makes me less queer. To me, it’s a kink that’s an important part of my identity but it’s not all of who I am. My sexuality includes that kink but also includes primary romantic and sexual attraction to other women. Rape fantasies after experiences of assault can be therapeutic also, so I would recommend learning how to embrace it as a part of yourself that doesn’t cheapen your identity.
Part of what complicates it for me is that I am now extremely turned on by
men. Men who can’t control their lust, I’m turned on by cocks, body hair, testosterone, etc. And that’s pretty incompatible with the ways I’ve always found myself attracted to women. I know bisexuality is a thing and I don’t mean to be bi-ignorant, it was just such a turn to go from literally being repelled by maleness to..craving it, basically. I’m not even sure how much I’m still into women.
And what
really gets me off, what I really don’t know how to wrestle with, is the fact that I get incredibly turned on by all my female features now. My big bouncy tits, my wide hips, my nest -Issa lips, my lily-white body, all of the parts of me I hated and wanted to repress and ruin, I now love. I get off to thinking about how they showed me I’ll always be a woman. That seems completely at odds with my gender identity, and it’s something I really don’t know how to resolve.
